Topics: African Americans, Civics, Civil Rights, Civilization, Climate Change, Democracy, Diversity in Science, Environment, Existentialism, Fascism, Global Warming, Human Rights
Trauma at 55
© April 3, 2023, the Griot Poet
No child smiling because we
Lost Martin Thursday.
April is National Poetry Month. This photo of five-year-old me inspired my haiku about my kindergarten graduation. It should have been a happy day with parents in the audience.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated on Thursday, April 4, 1968. Our graduation was scheduled for that Friday at Bethlehem Community Center in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
All thirty-six students were blissfully unaware of the political earthquake that this was or that it had occurred. As we all aged, we probably learned of the death threats and the near assassination by a deranged woman at a book signing. We were unaware of the “Missiles of October” in 1962, barely scratching the planet’s surface or taking our first steps before potential Armageddon. Medgar Evers was assassinated in Mississippi in June of 1963, and President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in November of the same year in Dallas when we were a little over a year old. Brother Malcolm was assassinated in February 1965 when we were almost three. I don’t recall the University of Texas. Clock Tower shooting in 1966, but we were four then. My classmates, like me, probably heard a program on the local radio station, WAAA-AM, on Sundays from the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, “Martin Luther King Speaks.” At that time, the caveat was that he spoke, addressing his audience directly over AM, the complete analog of today’s social media. What are now tapes or YouTube videos for later generations: it was him, alive, breathing, and speaking. Then Robert F. Kennedy, June 6, the president’s brother running for president, fell that year.
I recall my mother kissing me profusely, promising to be there for the graduation, and saying “I love you” repeatedly. I had no doubts about that.
I also remember my father’s eyes: red with bloodshot, dried tears on his cheeks. To that point in my brief existence, the thought of him crying was alien, foreign.
The kindergarten teachers sat us down. We assumed to prepare us for the costumes we would wear – white shorts, shirts, and bow ties for the boys, and skirts for the girls.
“Children, Dr. Martin Luther King was shot yesterday and died.”
I am on the front row, the photo’s first student on the left. The eighth student on that row is a girl who I recall having a crush on: she has her right knee pointing towards her left leg. She would break the silence before our ceremony with an ear-piercing screech, repetitive, inconsolable grief beyond her years, perhaps mimicked from a funeral. We all knew what “died” meant. In some form or fashion, by five, you have lost beloved pets or relatives that you never thought would leave the Earth.
The seed from her grief cascaded through the graduates like a malignant vine. The time was 9:00. We cried for two hours, during which someone with a pickup truck, a rebel flag flying, drove through the parking lot, yelling over and over so our young ears and teachers could hear him, “Martin Luther Coon’s dead! Yahoo! The South will rise again!”
I lay on the linoleum, palm heels in my eye sockets, wailing my [own] notes. The teachers were crying with us, trying to console themselves and us, allowing us our grief. We went down for a nap at 11:00. Perhaps our teachers did too.
We went out for a brief recess, probably to clear the fog from our brains, but as I recall, we moved like zombies, with no one on the seesaw, children sitting, staring numbly on the swings, and no action on the monkey bars. Then we went in and got dressed.
Our parents would be there at 1:30 pm. I have described why not a single child graduating in the photo was smiling. Staring at my unsmiling, well, forced smiling parents, I remember this poignant thought post-grief beyond my brief years:
“We’re not kids anymore!”
We would all start first grade in the fall without him.
I hugged my big sister tightly that evening, a student activist in the Civil Rights Movement attending Winston-Salem State University, because I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what “died” meant.
(Post-Cold War and 9/11)
© April 4, 2023, the Griot Poet
I did duck-and-hide
Drills, kids as cold warriors:
Now, active shooter.
My employer hosted an Active Shooter/Stop the Bleeding training at my facility on probably the most insensitive date they could pick on the calendar: the 55th anniversary of the assassination of Dr. King. As the first haiku eludes, time does not heal trauma. For the first half, both instructors had experience in law enforcement and the military. The second set of three instructors from a local trauma center featured a combat medic, who taught us through a cadaver dummy to stuff gauze from a “stop the bleeding kit” (there is a website to order directly).
I participated in the class vigorously to fight the “sugar crash” from the doughnuts offered.
We saw a lot of videos, one featuring the shooter in the Naval Shipyards gun massacre. The other was the bodycam video from the recent incident in Tennessee at a Christian School where three adults in their early sixties (around my same age) and three nine-year-old children were sacrificed on the altar of American Moloch. The original intent of particularly white evangelical Christian schools was to protect the “innocence” of their children from sitting next to someone like me. Somehow “thoughts and prayers” for a Christian school, no doubt inspired by Brown vs. Board of Education being actualized in the South, seemed oxymoronic.
“Duck-and-hide,” or more accurately, duck-and-cover, where drills were part of civilian preparedness in the event World War Three spontaneously broke out. They gave us manuals we should read (I still have mine). The teachers and manual said that getting under the desk was the best way to survive the nuclear fallout if you were not the center of the blast radius. Preconscious and curious, my parents had bought the complete volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Internet of its day. Foreshadowing my eventual STEM majors in Engineering Physics, Microelectronics, and Nanoengineering, I read the “Nu” volume on nuclear weapons. I sadly concluded after my research that the drills were government-sanctioned gaslighting, a word I now use. The word I used then is a two-syllable word with the popular abbreviation “B.S.” Plutonium 239, the ore of choice for thermonuclear weapons, has a half-life of 24,100 years, meaning that it would be half as radioactive in about 24 millennia. This drill wasn’t to save lives but to reduce panicked stampeding that, I admit, would help no one. The official nuclear doctrine of deterrence is M.A.D.: mutually assured destruction. We’ll see if Russia in Ukraine remembers this at all.
The United States has been in some war 93% of the time from 1775 (before its existence) to 2018. This factum is according to Smithsonian Magazine. The article’s caveat is how to interpret “war”: declared congressionally, unilaterally by the executive, or (in my opinion) upon one’s citizens.
I will attend my precocious granddaughter’s fourth birthday party this National Poetry Month. She is one year younger than my five-year-old image. After getting her a “Dr. McStuffin’s Medical Kit” for Christmas, she immediately assigned herself as her grandparents’ doctor. She even does televisits when we chat on Google Hangout.
Yet she grows up in a world of the continuous threat of Armageddon. Add to that designed scarcity, economic Disaster Capitalism cum neoliberalism, rising global temperatures, and active shooter training when she starts kindergarten in the fall, minus the “stop the bleeding kits,” even with her Dr. McStuffin credentials. Because of the malaise of government and gun lobbyists, we’ve reduced her citizenry to becoming a combat medic in the future, whether she wants to or not.
I bought a “stop the bleeding” kit. It should be here before Easter.
“We’re not kids anymore!”
None of us are.
One thought on “Innocence…”
Beautiful writing, filled with emotion and truth!